DIMM010: Neurodivergence!
I'm pretty confident that I'm some form of neurodivergent, after all I am writing this blog post after getting distracted from writing a different blog post (the one about the minecraft movie teaser)
I'm sure that this is a huge shock to everyone, breaking news local youtuber's brain doesn't function "normally". But I've been watching a lot of videos about it recently and oh my god there're so many things that I do that I didn't know were weird.
I've seen a lot of symptoms in myself that are very similar what officially diagnosed people with ADHD and/or ASD experience, but obviously that's not the same as actually being diagnosed. And of course being diagnosed isn't like a magical autism detector its still subjective and there are a lot of big caveats blah blah blah.
But I just wanted to talk about my symptoms to try and show others who, like me, thought that this stuff was just normal for your entire life.
I talk to myself, like kind of a lot. Like I don't think you understand how much I do it. If you ever hear me talking in a place that isn't edited (like on a livestream I just did with MCIA Cam) I am always using push to talk. If I didn't I would just be talking or singing the entire time, and nothing is more annoying than listening to someone sing through a discord call. I also just say random things that are floating in my head, a recent one for me has been dipper going "yeahhhhh, yeahhhhhh" because its been on my tiktok. Also sometimes I'll just rap an entire verse of a song that I've been listening to but talk through it as if its just a normal sentence. God damn this is embarrassing.
One thing that a couple videos pointed out was repeating what somebody just said in your head over and over after they said it. So much so that as they keep talking you lose track of what they were saying.
I do this thing where I will repeat what someone said out loud as well. Literally for no reason at all and it is already out of my mouth before I realize what I'm saying. People usually take offense to it, and I mean it makes sense cause it sounds like I'm making fun of them. But I'm not at all I didn't even realize what I was doing so then have to just go "imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry" and hope that they forgive me. I was told by one of my friends that this is called echolalia and it sucks. This is probably the worst of my mental stuff because it like actively effects my relationships with other humans. Its not like chronic, I'm not doing it all the time, but doing it any of the time is not good. I don't think there's a way to fix it, other than just not talking to other humans.
Another thing that effects my human relationships is not being able to respond consistently to people online. I usually have to respond right at that very moment that I see the message come through, or set an alarm for later that reminds me to respond. Because if I don't do that, I'll just forget.
While writing this blog I've gotten distracted so many times its kind of ridiculous. That is a common problem when I'm writing in general, getting off track and ending up on youtube somehow. I don't even realize its happening until I'm 10 seconds into a video and my flow has been destroyed. I design my work to try to have as few of these moments as humanly possible, because it literally costs me money every time it happens. But ultimately it is just gonna happen, and I think that my scatterbrained-ness is an important part of my videomaking process. Some of the precautions I take are part of my general productivity setup I've talked about before.
I also hate reading. Not like a, "oh I just don't like to do it very much," I mean I seriously cannot stand it. I can read short stuff (like a blog) easily, but once we get to book length, I physically cannot pay attention to even the most gripping story. It's not a problem with the books I'm reading, its just a problem with my brain. I listen to audiobooks whenever I have to read anything, which helps out a lot. I can just be playing a videogame and listening in the background and that's great for me. If I absolutely have to use my eyes to read a book, I'll try to buy a pdf version and then run it through a spritz reader. I think that my problem with book reading is that its slow and I am not stimulated enough, and a spritz reader helps with that a lot. I used to do this through a web app called Readsy, but that's gone now so I try to use the official Spritz chrome extention (but it kinda sucks, why is there not an app where I can just type in any text and read it in a spritz style?!?!?) I remember I had to read this super boring book for AP US History and I just have this visceral memory of me staring at readzy for hours in the library just trying to brute force my way through it. AND I DIDN'T EVEN PASS THE AP EXAM.
I constantly forget things, just all the time stuff will get forgotten if I don't write it down. So that's what I do. I have an alexa right next to me that can remind me of tasks, and I have a double todo list system that has been working out pretty well for me (Once again, I explained it all on DIMM002.) I also have a shortcut on my iPhone home screen that instantly starts writing a note in Apple Notes when I press it. For me, the faster I can capture information, the better.
I guess I just want to say that being neurodivergent isn't some kind of terrible disease. You can learn how to deal with it, how to make the best system for you. I find that the solutions that work well for me don't consist of me just "trying harder" but building the systems in my life to accommodate for me better.
And sure some people might call me weird because 90% of the time I am either talking to myself or a fake woman named Alexa, but that's what works best for me and that's what matters. Everyone is different, and if you're neurodivergent like me, you should structure your own life in a way that works for you. Don't try harder to try and meet the standard of neurotypical people, build your own standard.
Anyways that has been my 9/11 ted talk see you on sunday